Now: January 2025

Feb 15

Happenings

Well, 2025 has not started so hot... but it's forcing me to unpeel more layers of my life and face my own truths. I've spent a large portion of my life castigating myself. For not being a good enough daughter to inspire my father to love me. For being cold and overly logical. For being so weird. For never trusting and running from people. I keep trying to bury my wounds in temporary pleasures and distractions, despite knowing better on a logical level. There's so much we all know about how to live, but how much do we forget? I often wonder if I wrote down a checklist of how to live, would it be just me needing structure? An autistic brain that wants patterns, when there are none? I'm not sure.

From my Shelves

I've been reading less than usual, but here's the one's I've read lately

On Repeat

A few big faves lately have been pop hits from the early teens, indie r&b I found through the Layback YT channel (obssesed with Still Got Time by Dexter in the Newsagent), and Chungha's new EP, Alívío (so far adore Stress and Beat of My Heart).

On My Needles (Hook)

Just washcloths lately to keep my hands busy.

To be anthropological about it: the present primary social role of western woman is as wife; her secondary status is as mother; in upper and middle classes her tertiary status is sometimes that of companion—in other classes companionship can come a long way down the list, and in most non-western nations it scarcely rates at all.
– John Wyndham (Trouble with Lichen)

Feb 24

Happenings

Ugh, nothing new. I just feel an odd desperation lately, like... the need to claw out of something. My baseline anxiety is higher again and I feel so overstimulated all the time. I tried to take the weekend to recover but I felt a tug of war in me. I would feel moody, stressed and retire to the bed. Close my eyes. Rip my covers away irritably. Paced, rocked, read, guzzled tea by the teapot. Played a cute video game and tried to romance everyone at the same time. Nothing is helping and I feel a bit helpless. I'm used to looking at things and trying lots of things to fix the thing, you know? But I'm not sure what do when nothing helps and I have so many non-negotiables to complete daily. I'll keep thinking about it. I keep thinking I need something extreme! A sensory deprivation chamber! Full hermit mode! But I NEED to figure something more sustainable instead of going nuclear on my responsibilities/social life 😂

Currently Playing

I started playing a cute match-3 game on Steam called Spirit Swap: Lofi Beats to Match-3 To on Saturday and am enjoying it a lot! It's even a little bit of an otome haha. I confess I was eyeing Lulu and Pookie but as most otome, they encourage having a harem and to hit on all romancable options to which I say, SURE! But def Lulu/Pookie first :p I adore the use of pronouns in the game, and the humanity of the writing. I found myself relating to quite a few of the storylines and admired the wholesome ways the characters treat each other! Def reccomend.

From my Shelves

The latest books:

On Repeat

It is an understament to say that I am utterly obssesed with:

On My Needles (Hook)

Still on that washcloth train. Need to get out of this funk 😔

People like you don't use swords. You gentlemen kill with power, with money, sometimes with words alone all on the pretence of doing a man a favour. True enough, no blood is shed. He might even be well. But you've killed him all the same. It's hard to say whose sin is greater–yours or mine.
– Ryunosuke Akutagawa (Murder in the Age of Enlightment)