Now: January 2025

Jan 13

Happenings

It's been a while since I properly wrote on the site. I try to respect it as a space that is there when I need it, and try not to force it, but I figured I could at least make sure this area is up to date! We're 2 weeks into 2025 already and it's odd how time passes so quickly after the year changes. This time of the year always finds me feeling quiet and reflective. Last week marked the 13th year since my mother passed away and today would have been her 70th birthday. A lot has been said about grief and I don't have much to add to it... but I feel that though it's not an ache that is as tightly wound as it used to be the sharpness never did fade. There is never a time I think of her and don't feel a wave of pain, shame, regret, guilt. I also got a message from a college friend giving me the phone number of one of my favorite people in the world who I lost touch with. I feel nervous because all the people I knew in college were people I knew before I knew I was autistic. I had friends who were very kind, but there were people that we frankly not kind or inadverdently said toxic things to me that I now realize were about my autistic traits. Or some just said ugly things about my looks but also helped me out so I feel torn because I can see their kindness but their words worsened my already brittle self esteem. I will write to the one friend and I hope I don't disappoint him like I do when I reunite with old friends, but I do feel nervous.

Current Fever

I finished the Gateway Tapes last week. I suspected that the deeper I got into it, the less it would resonate with me and I was right. I believe that there is more on this heaven and earth than one can see, so I do not discount the possibility of phenomena like out of body experiences. But it's not a topic I feel an interest to explore. My goal is to expand my awareness and learn to be able to ground myself when my emotional energy threatens to weaken or tire me. And in that regard it's really an amazing tool for me! I can't articulate the why, but now if I am upset, my legs get heavy, as if to ground me. Sometimes I feel energy too fill me which feels pleasant and protective almost. After I finished the course, I went ahead and curated the 15 exercises that resonated with me, and some recordings of just the sounds and I use them at night to wind down. So in summary, no aliens were encountered, but I gained a wonderful tool that is expanding my awareness and teaching me to regulate my body!

From my Shelves

I read some fun things in the past few weeks! I found a funny, short manga series called Magical Girl Incident by Zero Akabane and I want to reread it because it really made me laugh a lot! I also started a series called The Concierge at Hokkyoku Department Store which I am enjoying too for it's cute art style, its wholesomeness, and the weaving of life lessons with the things Akino learns as she works in the store and helps the animals. I finished The Marigold Mind Laundry which was mixed for me. It was healing and relaxing, but a bit preachy. It also tried to blend a a fantasy narrative with slice-of-life but got too stuck in the weeds with the aforementioned preaching to fully do either genre justice. I enjoyed it but would not really recommend it in light of the sheer amount of healing novels one can choose from nowadays! Lastly, I am still reading Hum but I'm not rushing on it because it's one of those bleak novels where families suck, motherhood sucks, the planet is burning, etc. I feel it is important to not hide hard truths, especially in a speculative fiction, but the life is bleakj because my family takes each other for granted trope has been done enough to where it's safe to point the story's focus more on the things at the societal level than at the nuclear family level. So it's not a bad book, it's just better in small chunks for me. I also started All About Love by bell hooks. I really do like it so far but it's been going slow because I find myself highlighting a lot of passages. I do feel that this book will add to my view of love in a positive way and I wanted to continue exploring love with other authors to get a better rounded view of what it means to me. I especially liked in this book the concept of love being a verb because I do feel the word is thrown around sometimes as a lighthearted thing. For me, feeling love is joined by caring for the other's wellbeing.

On Repeat

Last week the most random high school memory unlocked. In 2001, there was a reality show called Popstars where the winners of a competition were able to debut in a short-lived girl group called Eden's Crush and I remember I bought the album and played it aproximately five million times because those songs were pure pop gold! So I went in a rabbit hole of making mini playlists of "high school mixtapes" 😂 I limited them to 70 minutes (iirc that was the upper limit of a burned CD) and ended up making three of the because I kept remembering songs! I do have a Y2K list but I like the idea of shorter curated lists to go to whenever I want a burst of energy.

On My Needles

I'm just knitting a simple garter stitch "towel". I use a full ball of the Peaches 'n Cream self-striping yarn on size 6 needles and usually cast on from 45-50 stitches. It's just a really nice rectangle in the end that I can use as a lightweight trivet, a towel, bread basket liner, or even like a tiny table runner or placemat? So whenever I don't want to think I turn to making one since they're quick and basic. In fact, I definitely consider it a great first project! Self striping yarn is a wonderful way to keep motivated. Trying to see the next stripe is VERY similar to the prototypical gamers' "just one more level!"

Because we have learned to believe negativity is more realistic, it appears more real than any positive voice. Once we begin to replace negative thinking with positive thinking, it becomes utterly clear that, far from being realistic, negative thinking is absolutely disenabling. When we are positive we not only accept and affirm ourselves, we are able to affirm and accept others.
– bell hooks (All About Love)

Jan 27

Happenings

It's been a quiet few weeks lately as I continue to ease into 2025. I've been meaning to write some more introspective entries but have been still turning them in my head. I think two major things on my mind lately is friction as an intentional thing in the day to day and detangling yarn as a representation of organizign thoughts? Nothing new that hasn't been said, but they are what is on my mind lately so I'll try to organize this chaotic brain of mind soon. Been a bit of a scatterbrain lately. Maybe my brain wants to hibernate in the winter? :p

Today I also found out via a company-wide email that I will be moved to another department, so I feel down. I'm not good with change, but muster the strength to do so when I need to. I feel upset that I had to find out this way. I don't like to talk about work here, but I feel incredibly hurt that my team has always been undervalued and for this to happen feels like a nail in my heart and reminds me how much damage a company can do to one's self-esteem. I decided to just work on this page as a break as I try to process how I feel, but my chest feels so tight right now and I can't even cry to make it better. It's just a knot, stuck in my throat and I feel a bit lonely because I don't want to talk about it with my friends and I want to hide in a corner...

Current Fever

I've been making more tea lately in the colder weather. I've always loved to drink tea but I got covid almost 3 years ago and it took 2 years to even start getting a lot of my senses back so tea tasted kinda weird? But black tea came back a year or so ago and with it other types. I MISSED TEA SO MUCH. So lately I've been drinking tons of it, and making up little concoctions of herbals tisanes depending on how I feel or what I want. Being the true dork I am, I like to make my recipes in proportions so I can scale them from mugs to teapots! Here's one of the ones I've been enjoying lately:

Begone Anxiety! Citrus Blend

I always loved to play and create things so I feel that teas have been a fun creative space to play in.

From my Shelves

I haven't read a lot lately, mostly some manga and some half read books I need to just finish:

I've been such a space cadet that my books are accumulating so I'll read the ones I have on read before staing new stuff.

On Repeat

Have you ever had a friend that is so into music that you daren't share your favorite music with them? I have two. And it's silly, but I feel sad that though I do not make music, listening to it is a very deeply rooted part of my soul. So I feel an emptiness that I don't feel safe being myself with them. I'm still kinda been in this odd mood where I've been remembering songs I've loved through the years and made a playlist with some. To me, a song I love will make me dance, or has lyrics that move my heart. This new list, vibing, captures the former. From salsa, to dancehall, to pop, kpop, freetstyle, postgrunge, EDM, etc, etc, etc I have collected all te songs that I can remember being dopamine rushes to me and added them here. It was a fun project to make the list and will probably add tons more as I remember. I don't like to gatekeep music and I hope this list is a testament to my love and joy of the medium:

On My Needles (Hook)

I haven't crocheted in almost 2 years but got the hankering to make a cloud blanket after I saw a tutorial on YouTube! I'm using a chenille super bulky yarn from Michaels and it's working up SO FAST. I've been working on it semi-diligently for about 1.5 weeks and I'm already about 3/4 done which is nuts for a blanket haha. Knitting a super bulky would take longer. WHich is worth it, but it's nice to spice things up by playing with other crafts! I'll add a pic when it's done!

“But every woman wants a family, at heart,” she said. “It’s only natural.” “Habitual,” corrected Diana. “God knows what would happen to civilization if we did things just because they were natural.”
– John Wyndham (Trouble with Lichen)