Copy and Paste

16 Feb, 2024

Full disclosure... I don't know myself. Thus, this post is fated to be convoluted and perhaps even contradictory, since it explores thoughts I have buried through the years. OK, so every time I'm asked to describe myself, I am at a loss. I have a minor script to bypass the need for any awkward pauses when asked. I'll smile and say something like "I'm curious, friendly, and awkward!". Or I use my MBTI as a shortcut to describe myself... "for all the MBTI-minded folks, I'm an INFJ!"

But the reality is that I don't know. I know I am a deep thinker. Also, I question if I am even truly friendly. Am I friendly or a people pleaser? Then I spiral into existential questions like, "Is there such a thing as a truly selfless act if I derive pleasure from seeing someone happy? And "Is that pleasure because I am happy for them or because they'll like me?". Because I do know that socially, I operate on fear. Somewhere along the way, in the very deepest part of my psyche, I was programmed to understand that I am unusual. And it seems like whatever programmed me must have been adamant that my brand of unusual is bad, and unacceptable and must be hidden at all costs. Because of this, or maybe because I was born like this, I became acutely sensitive to perceiving when someone reacts to my "weirdness". I cope with this in two ways. Isolating myself as much as possible being the first. The second is to use the giant library of archetypes and behaviors that I trained myself subconsciously with through the years.

I watched a video recently, where someone mentioned the term "copy/paste behaviors" and it resonated with me a lot. Everyone does this to an extent, but I feel that when one is neurodivergent, it's a survival tactic as opposed to politeness or manipulation. I have heard the term "mirroring" as well, but I feel like the former way of describing it is more accurate in my personal experience. I mirror a lot. Absolutely. But it feels strange to say "If you don't like me, you don't like yourself". It sounds arrogant to me. Copy/Paste is more in line with the act of adapting and quickly choosing how to make the other person comfortable with me and avoid them thinking I'm weird, unlovable, or not worth interacting with. When rejection (real or perceived) stabs you in the deepest part of your soul, one ends up saying fuck it, I'll go with the flow with this person. This is not to say I pretend so much that I only expose the parts of me I feel they'll be ok with and try to mask the others. Keyword? Try. The mask always falls, causing massive fallouts.

For everyone who thinks autistic people hate socializing and don't love, that's not true. We pay a higher price to receive love than any allistic person could ever imagine. We sacrifice our time, our energy, and even our personality, just to get but one ounce of your affection. And we do this. Every. Damn. Day. And what happens when we give and give and give and no one gets it? We burn out, have a meltdown, and then are rejected anyway. It happened to me countless times throughout my life, but now I understand why. And you know what hurts the most? When I don't see someone for years and they say...

"you changed. For the worse."
or
"I don't know you anymore."
or
"I thought I liked you but you're not who I thought you were."

And to those who say be yourself? It takes years to untangle the mess made by living in a world that simply refuses to let us in. This is not a victim mentality. It's a cold, hard fact. Unmasking is a meticulous, exhausting process that I don't even know how to begin. So to all the people out there, right now, unmasking. You have my respect and admiration. I hope to join you guys soon!