...

TW: Mentions of past child abuse.

Would it be okay to share something? I seriously do not want to talk about this with anyone right now. I feel too emotional about it so better to just unload here...

I’m feeling upset today. My daughter is having problems at school again, and while I’m glad the school has scheduled a meeting—hopefully to place her in a more appropriate program—it’s stirred up tension at home. My husband and I had an argument about it.

You see, she doesn’t mask at all, and that can make her disruptive in class. But I’ve masked my whole life. I pretend to be happy, easygoing, and normal because I’ve always been ashamed of anyone seeing me act "strange." He said that I’ve succeeded in life because my father taught me to mask through a harsh upbringing—through punishment and control.

But... my father hit me, punished me relentlessly, and when I grew meek and compliant, he hit me again for not being strong. How could anyone call that a success? I don’t believe in inflicting trauma to keep someone “in line.” I don’t believe we should use arbitrary rules of behavior as an excuse to make another human suffer.

I’m tired. Tired of feeling like an alien. Tired of worrying that society will get to her too, and she’ll end up feeling less than human—undervalued, treated as a burden simply because she doesn’t fit the mold of a "factory line" human.

But... how do I help her untangle the values she needs to be a kind, compassionate person from the values she’ll need to survive in this system that demands conformity? How do I teach her to hold onto herself while navigating a world that constantly asks her to be someone else? Do the ends justify the means?

So, don't tell me why
He's never been good to you
Don't tell me why
He's never been there for you
Don't you know that why
It's simply not good enough
– Sarah McLachlan (Good Enough)