I've been quiet lately again. I'm still not sure about the logic of what drives me. Why do some days I need to knit until my fingers are stiff, or why on others I want to read a short novel and 3 mangas, or write post after post, or work on 3 meditation exercises, or bake 2 breads and a batch of muffins. I used to get so salty when people called me intense but I think they were right, eek. Even though I wish my soul were as light as a feather, there is some work I need to do to understand why my passion for things burns so hot. Because as I get older, and my responsibilities continue to grow, I realize that I didn't really do a good job thinking of what would happen when my brain and body started to rebel against this constant onslaught of fevers and responsibilities. Add to that the blessing and curse of living in the information era, and I think that the only conclusion is that I need to strip back to the basics and work myself up if I ever want to live the life I craved.

I keep going back to the ideas of natural cycles, and to resilience. I used to think I wanted to be strong. In fact, my Gateway meditiation affirmation often boils down to "I am more than my physical body, I am stronger than I look, I am stronger than I am thought to be". But it has been said that a strong limb can snap, no? That flexibility is key and emotional flexibility is resilience. But how do I navigate the idea of resilience as a neurodivergent woman? Because I can certainly build a castle in the sky of the life I want. But dream castles, or tiny cottage fantasies™ are a thin coat of veneer that assumes that one can control everything at all times. That one is an island of sorts that needs no one and who no one needs. No... that isn't life and the hermit dream is too flimsy to sustain. We are entwined, and these connections are deeper than we can see. Like if I choose not to make a certain design, or to not fold the laundry on time, or to pay a bill or whatever people around me will be affected too. I'm a toxic perfectionist about how deeply I hold my responsibility to others. I think in part because I feel others depended on me when I was young. And having a neurodivergent family perpetuates it. I get scared that if I don't wake up my daughter will miss school for example, among other myriad little normal grownup worries. So sometimes the extra weight is tiring and I wonder how I can be resilient in the face of how my life is, as opposed to viewing it through the lens of people with other lifestyles, needs, history, etc. And also how resilient must one be? Like how much stress does one need to be considered a "person of character?"

So navigating through societal's view of work and strength which can be inaccurate, and making sure I am considering my neurotype, and worrying that I overthink make this all a bit muddy for me. I know I want to feel content and energetic, know I am not and am not sure how to take control of my own wellbeing when I am not an island is daunting to me. So I think this year, instead of making a resolution, I will just promise myself to start learning more how to balance things. How to lean into the parts where I am intense, and start learning to ask for more from those around me. I'm going to fail at this SO MUCH haha. It's not easy to rewire one's brain and let's face it, though autism sharpens one's awareness of the sheer amount of everything there is, there's broad society issue inherent to this era and our social norms (productivity, pure individualism, the commercialization of everyhing). But maybe it can look something like:

The hardest lesson will be... "I am not responsible for everyone's happiness." I need to sometimes do what I need without consideration to others 😱😱😱 Christmas was a wake up call! I can't wallow anymore, and I want to grow and be more flexible.

Just how much more resilient do we have to become in order to live, and to live happily?
– Jungeun Yun (Marigold Mind Laundry)