I'm trying to hype myself up to start my work day, but I am already floundering. Lately I wake up at 3AM and now that it is day 4 of it I'm really starting to feel the toll. I don't know why it's happening. I remember on day 1 Saturday, I was a bit excited. Extra time! I did a little self care. A sheet mask, nail polish, read a book. I also decided to deep clean the bathroom. It was overdue imo. I tend to do light cleaning every week, but a deep clean is needed anyway every few weeks and I was behind. I had asked for help, but it didn't really come for that, so I figured that that type of extra time is well suited for deeper dives into chores. Once I finished, I made coffee, woke up my daughter, made bread, and started the normal day. I was fine that day. The temps went up to 75F! So I let my daughter play outside, and sat in a chair, knitting while I watched her. I cooked dinner, did the laundry, and read. It really was a full day. But Sunday rolled around and I woke up at 3AM again. I was a bit frazzled, but I finished reading my book, made coffee, and tackled my daughter's room. Another hazard. And another thing I had asked help for. But I think I want to process how to open up about that. Because there are some woes in my life that involve others (lol which of course is totally normal), I want to be careful to tread that ground in a fair way. But... I got the thing done and it was a bit rinse and repeat. I made goodies for everyone to celebrate Super Bowl and baked jammy bars for dessert. My husband wanted to make pizza in an outdoor pizza over he got on clearance. So I did some AI research and added my base dough recipe for pizza to talk through any finer points to consider with using an outdoor vs indoor oven. By the time everyone left, I was really drained. I sent a quick message to a friend, which was probably an incoherent collection of sighs and whining about being tired and I took a hot shower, hoping to stay awake as long as possible. I woke up at 3 yesterday. Worked, got everyone ready, did some research on pivot tables, did a call. I barely survived.
Today I woke up at 2:30AM. I gave up at 3:20, made coffee, read a book, doomscrolled YT Shorts for a bit, tried to draw, got ready for work, tried to wake my husband up, set up the school things. I'm questioning at this point how I'm going to survive today. My body feels stressed and my breathing is more labored than usual. My eyes burn, and I feel weepy. I need to start working and am struggling so hard. I wonder if taking a walk will help. Tea. Coffee. Cold water. A cold breeze. Music. I know I need a long nap, but I'm too damn stubborn to request time. Because I'm not really enjoying the extra hours I get anymore.
Sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.
– Jonathan Safran Foer