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I lost my virginity at 19. Back then, like now, I had a feeling of brokenness and of being a loser. I remember hoping this person cared about me but knowing deep in my heart that I was not appealing to him. So, I played it cool and told him that he didn’t need to commit to sleep with me. Because sex is a point of connection, I figured it was better than nothing. I remember how my heart broke when he took up with the pretty, petite rocker girl a few doors down. And how it confirmed to me that I was not lovable. I didn’t know back then that I was autistic. I just knew I was told that I wasn’t attractive and I knew that I had to sell myself somehow to get people to love me. So I built a persona to keep tenuous relationships with others by erasing my own needs. Add that to delayed development, where each milestone needs a lot of support and processing time that I never took or was offered, and it’s no surprise that I considered old relationships to be an exercise in negotiation. I’m not sure if a lot of neurodivergent people do this like me, but it might be worth looking into. I mean I feel they would. Masking is for the service of others. Here are some ways I, through the years trapped myself in one sided relationships:

• Allowed situationships where I had no label with the person and thus, no framework as to what to expect or not
• Gaslit into believing that the words “I love you” without actions that convey love were enough
• Let my partner dictate the terms of the relationship
• Supported people who could not reciprocate by supporting me in turn
• Continued relationships with people who blamed me for my autistic traits
• Allowed partners to verbally abuse me for my autistic behavior
• Requested accommodations, was treated like a weirdo, and dropped said requests
• Took in and got stuck with extra tasks to make my partner happy and ease their stress
• Neglected my own restorative special interests for the interests of others
• Felt inadequate for not knowing about my partner’s interests
• Made myself into a tiny mouse to not be an inconvenience to my partners
• Bent backward to comfort them but hid my pain

We can only be victims if we allow it, and unfortunately, I was prone to it for many reasons. Low self-esteem, naiveté, and an urge to make others happy made me allow foolish things. I’m very open-minded, which through the years made my presence comforting to others. Others, who like me, were afraid to be themselves for fear of rejection. I always wanted to be a safe space for them, so my lack of judgment is possibly the most authentic part of my personality. I am deeply sensitive to others’ emotional pain and trauma and try my best to be a safety net. But just as authentic as my acceptance is the bitter loneliness of my acceptance being taken and not returned.

Amiko searched for words. Anything to say to those eyes. She wanted to be kind. But the more she wanted to be kind, the sadder she got. She couldn't find the words. She couldn't say a word.
– Natsuko Imamura (This Is Amiko, Do You Copy?)