I read once that rejection causes the body to react in ways that are akin to physical pain. Being marginalized as an individual, or belonging to a marginalized community has real consequences to one's health. Perhaps this venting place of mine is a space to release tension that I don't do in my day-to-day life. Because you have seen how whiny I am? I can't tell people these things, they'll think I'm nuts. Furthermore, I'm so insecure that it guarantees lots of scolding and further rejection. Or blame, like...

Rejection is a self fulfilling prophecy. It causes insecurity which in turn buries us in doubt after which we are further rejected for lacking confidence. I will give it to masking… it smooths paths. It’s not a neurodivergent person’s fault their thought processes differ…

I got to the point that every time I unmask, it becomes a disaster, prompting me to dial back the real me and lie about my feelings or if caught in a sad moment, I simply lie about why I hurt. But anyway, all this has made me acutely sensitive to others' needs for comfort and validation. Honestly, unless it's a crime committed or a major ethical breach, people can want or tell me whatever, and it will faze me not one bit. No, really. Like I'm not even secretly judging anyone because we have a right to have a safe space to be us in our total, flawed, unique ways. I am but one human, and fuck, I can be rejected to the moon, but I'll be damned if I contribute to the pain of rejection. Because as we all know rejection is insidious and common. In a world where society, cultures, and subcultures have each their unique criteria as to what makes a person acceptable, there is not one iota of a possibility that any given person will not be rejected on one or more dimensions of what makes them... well, them. A friend of mine mentioned "Waterfalls" by TLC today, which took me back to being a teen. So I listened to other songs of theirs and stumbled on "Unpretty" which is what brought me to this particular path of thinking. In my eyes feeling unpretty is something that transcends the physical. Not being accepted for any given thing makes us feel tarnished, unworthy… so I felt the message of the song was broader than I considered when I first heard it.

I guess my point is that I know I write a lot about autism, but I also want to take some time here and mention that everyone you know hates themselves over something. And they learned to hate themselves. Not born that way, but programmed to. Don't blame someone who was a victim of a system. The lessons the system teaches are firmer than that person can resist. I don't care if that woman over there feels sad over her lashes, there might be a reason for it and I'm not here to judge her. She might have been raised to think pretty eyelashes were the path to joy and in this world her lashes don’t measure to whatever ideals were set. It’s just lashes to you but that pain is real because she took that lesson and internalized it. She's sad, isn't she? Isn’t that enough? Don't we all deserve compassion?

P.S. The few people who stumble on this? Here's a bunch of hugs with the silly hug emoji 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

Stop holding back those desires you've been too ashamed to admit.
– Oscar Auliq-Ice