I've been very very very very (did I mention very?) overstimulated for the past month. I was unceremoniously moved to another team without prior notice. I had to meet with HR when they found out (my kind previous boss advocated for me). I've had to deal with shifting dynamics with my colleagues (they actively desilike my work style and the fact that I am trying to adapt to this new team) and introducing myself (awkwardly) to a host of new people at work. My husband was let go. My daughter does some thing or other at school often enough to neccesitate multiple calls/texts per week. I owe letters, texts to my friends. My house needs work as well as the daily upkeep. I wake up at 4:30AM just to be ready early enough to wake my husband and daughter when the time comes. My daughter's ADHD meds are not working and that's created a mess where we tried to get a new medicine. She needs liquid meds due to her sensory sensitivities but insurance keeps denying that need. Even when the doctors sends appeals they are denied on the spot. I pay for the meds out of pocket because the school wants her in general ed, she is happy in gen ed and the meds seem to help just enough to justify them.
I noticed with stress comes the invetiable fraying of focus. I feel restless and like a raw nerve at the same time. Lots of pacing, trying to sleep, running to dark rooms. Isolating myself and trying to cut ties with my friends. I start things and neglect them. Every new demand I add to myself, others add for me, or just happen because life feels like a weight to my soul. And the thing is, I know the burden feels disproportionate to the thing, you know? But I end up with a lot of loose ends. Books started, letters started, projects set aside, video games left half played.
Last weekend I tried to drink tea, listen to water sounds, play puzzle games, read. Didn't work. And last week sucked. I barely slept and felt unbearably anxious. So this weekend I decided to do the opposite. I woke up at 7, read, got ready and made the bed. Made sorullitos. Played my fave dopamine playlist on shuffle. Filled a little bucket with Simple Green and hot water and deep cleaned the entire downstairs of my little rental. Vaccumed, made tea, wrote two letters. Finished two washcloths that were 95% done and continued a pair of socks that were 66% done. I still feel so very anxious. But I feel I am doing the right thing. I feel I am doing something and having a deep cleaned house feels even better than tidy.
Cleaning like this reminds me of Mom. Her blasting reggaetón on a Saturday and dismantling the window screens. We used to squeeze some dishwashing soap (LA PALMOLIVE pa' los boricuas) and spray them with the hose and go to town with a broom. I heard once that the best cure for depression is to clean. And I see the merit in that advice. When my brain is being an asshat, it feels damn GOOD to use my body instead. I forget that my work is too sedentary and the stressful crap is too much. Which combined makes for this kind of situation where I get overstimulated to spiral. So if the secret of not being overstimulated is to direct the stimulation from brain/heart to body, I'll run with it!
The objective of cleaning is not just to clean, but to feel happiness living within that environment.
– Marie Kondo