Reinvention
10 Mar, 2025
Now, I can be silly and fun again. I’d rather have people think I’m the super talented guy who cracks a joke than the super funny guy who makes music. Tyler, the Creator
Lately I feel that I am trapped. The cause of which is wholly my fault. By not addressing the core things that have been the ground zeroes of how I act now, I set progress back for years, if not decades. I was always a slow processor, but my lifespan is achingly human. I have the same aproximate 4,000 weeks as anyone else regardless of how quickly or slowly I become entrenched in my own status quo. Or more accurately, I am slow in ways that matter more and fast in ways that have less of a practical merit.
I don't really resent anything in my life that did or didn't happen to me. Life will happen in any amount of myriad ways and I know that to an extent, I was wired to be hyperaware of the ways it all unfolds. So perhaps my sensitivity made it predetermined that I will rejoice, love, fear, suffer in a way that would make these things ache more than many people will think is in proportion to the actual event. When even a bright light or a barrage of noise is enough to whittle away at one's peace, it becomes harder to develop the resilience one needs. I don't even notice more than others, I just notice different things, patterns, in different configurations and possibilities. All that being said, I became who I am in a series of logically illogical ways to navigate the fact that I simply don't feel safe with people. And the more logically ilogical solutions I came up with to survive, the more I firmly put myself in a path where I cannot feel safe. Becuase my life, like many others, is just configuring and designing things to survive. Even if I am not respected for the things that are authentic to me, and even if I feel that the older I get, the more I steer from my truth and my beliefs.
I saw a little clip the other day of an interview with Tyler, the Creator. He was talking about his frustrations of being typecast solely as a funny guy, and how he wanted to be appreciated for his music. He said he deleted all his content that was funny and focused on his craft. The idea that he was able to to shed his skin resonated. How he was able to reinvent himself without disparaging another part of him. He brought the part of him he wanted to be known for to the forefront bacause he knew what he wanted as his legacy.
I want to reinvent myself in that way too. I don't want to be the idiot woman that fawns, gives unconditionally, is the caregiver and peacemaker. I want to be the person that gives without selling her soul, is open about what an asshat she is, but shows her intelligence enough that the need to fawn and be always available for others and feel responsible for their wellbeing is not abused. So I need to say no, set boundaries, stop cracking jokes to make people comfortable. To let people disagree and figure it out without smoothing things over. To not relent to requests that make me feel used and afraid. I want to be open and unashamed about having needs or expressing how I feel.
If you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down.
– Toni Morrison