Vignettes 3
22 Mar, 2025
- I tried qiqong today for 5 minutes. I thought it would be a nice way to release this annoying, persistent, low-grade anxiety that plagues me. It was nice. But I sat down after and started sobbing. I didn't think I'd cry, and I don't understand it. But I want to do it again. Does crying mean I am holding something? Is it even true we do that? I've been neglecting meditating since my husband lost his previous job in February. Maybe this will help too until I resettle into my Gateway Tapes.
- I always emphasize the bad things about me, many of which I expound upon here at length but there is one thing I realized is a good trait that might or not be inherent to me being neurodivergent. I can compartamentalize very well when it comes to the concept of “getting the thing done". I would never let emotions stop me from fulfilling a need. I just fear that this logic is exactly why I feel I am often in one-sided, transactional connections. But the things get done. My daughter is safe. My clothes are clean and dinner is made on a nightly basis. Spring pictures ordered, fund raisers sent, paperwork signed, and tucked to send to school. Homework is done nightly and with no fuss. I help my coworkers. My taxes are done and my home tidy. You might scoff but to my family, it's hard. And I can only control myself.
- I pulled some Tarot cards for fun this week. Ten of Swords reversed. Strength upright. I think there are things in my life that I need to let go but have been too afraid to leave from. I don't want to be scared that my relationships hinge on allowing others to use me and returning to connections that are not in any way fair or reciprocal. I don't mean this in a victimizing way. I know no abusive people, except me. Those cards together mean that there has been suffering but with strength I could move on. I think it's a reminder to be strong and know my own value, which I know is a struggle and a huge part of this journey. My core question has been, “can I accept rejection as I unmask?"
- I've been waking up early again and have been enjoying the quiet time to reflect and decompress. There's a semblance of a light routine and it does make me feel better. The question is... sustaining the habit 😅
- Current obsessions: Stories with ridiculously awesome and detailed food descriptions. Getting my butt kicked in Tetris 99. Cheese puffs. Floral tea. Naps. The playlists called “cute music" on YouTube that have adorable kawaii illustrations of food, cats, or BOTH.
Before strongly desiring anything we should look carefully into the happiness of its present owner.
– La Rochefoucauld (Maxims)
